Can We Control Our Thoughts?

Thank you to Eseosa for inspiring this post.

In January I started a new role at work. I’d been wanting a change for some time and was thankful to be in a rotational program that allows me to explore and figure out what kind of work I want to do. I had just come back from two weeks in Lagos with my family, but upon coming back I became overwhelmed by a flurry of anxiety. Some of my friends were recovering from COVID, a close family friend passed away from COVID and another family friend who was like a grandma to me died suddenly. So there I was, alone in my apartment worrying, mourning and desperately trying to show up fully at my new role. 

I was expecting myself to be more than okay. It was a new year, I didn’t want to be sad and instead of just allowing myself to feel my feelings I became extremely self-critical. My thought life was a mess.

If I found myself confused at work or not clear about how to do something:

Alexa, why are you so stupid? You can’t be making mistakes like this. Get it together.

If I found myself unable to sleep, trying hard to remember the last thing I said to my family friend:

Why can’t you remember? You should have gone to visit her when you were in Lagos. Why are you even this sad? She wasn’t your grandma, imagine how her actual grandchildren are feeling.

If I found myself feeling lonely:

Girl, you were alone in this apartment for 7 months last year. You should be used to this by now.

These thoughts were wearing me down, and if I’m being honest I really felt like I was burning out. I started reading back on my journal entries and trying to reflect on all these feelings I was having, and it was so clear what the problem was. I was trying to be perfect.

I’ve been a recovering perfectionist for the past three years, but the thing about perfectionism is that it is truly seductive. The belief that one could be perfect is like dangling the forbidden fruit in front of Eve. It is a lie that tells us it is possible to be without pain and to avoid the uncomfortable moments in life. But in my recovery I’m learning that life is in the pain and discomfort. Life doesn’t happen after it dissipates, but it is in experiencing all of it.

So I started journaling everyday asking myself the same question, so what are you saying about yourself?

Instead of saying all those awful thoughts I wrote earlier, I wanted to challenge myself to write what I really want to say, what I would want a friend to say to me, and what I needed to hear:

Alexa, there is no way you would be used to being alone even after spending seven months alone last year because it is not supposed to be like. Living through a pandemic is immeasurably difficult and isolating. Getting used to this would be accepting that this is normal when it is everything but. 

You will be okay though, that I know. In the midst of it all last year, you thrived when and where you could. You will do the same again and again because that is who you are.

You started a new role with people you don’t know and have never met before. It’s freaking weird. You are in a whole new world where you are learning everything from scratch. Give yourself time to learn, to make mistakes and to grow. But never forget the power of your voice. Ask questions and speak up. If you don’t get responses that’s on them, but do your part. Starting a new role is tough, starting a new role in a virtual setting is tougher. Show yourself some grace and compassion everyday.

My love, there is much to mourn. The past 12 months have been an onslaught of death and bad news. You are still mourning the life you once had, the experiences you could have had, the moments you have missed. You are mourning the countless lives that have been taken from us because of this virus. You are mourning those that you know who have died. You are mourning who you were as a reckoning is taking place inside of you. Cry, and cry well. This is important. Mourning, grief, sadness, weariness, lethargy, and all the ickiness right now were all created by The Artist. This should be your response to all that you have experienced, and feeling it all makes you far more normal than you realize. Even if you get scared and it all feels too much, please remember that joy comes in the morning.

My friend Eseosa asked me, how do I control my thoughts? I don’t but I try not to let them control me. What I can do is remind myself of the Truth. I can recognize the lies I tell myself and stop them in their tracks. We spend so much time in our heads and trust ourselves so much that we think all our thoughts are valid, but they’re not always. I truly believe that mastering our thoughts is freedom and for me it starts with this simple awareness. 

So, what are you saying about yourself?