Emotional Overload
If any of you are empaths like I am, this past year has been emotionally overwhelming. I am usually too busy or make myself emotionally unavailable so that I don’t have to feel everything, but then there are some days where I feel absolutely everything and it’s a lot.
Yesterday I had a day off work unexpectedly. I didn’t realize I would have Good Friday off until the day before, so I thought it would be a great opportunity to catch up on rest but the unexpected time with no plans left me idle for the first time in a long time. The weather was too cold to go to the park and enjoy a leisurely stroll. My roommate was working from home in our living room/office so I couldn’t watch tv and be too distracting. So I lay in bed, and at first it was relaxing then I started to feel everything.
All the unprocessed death from earlier in the year began to weigh on me. I went on Instagram to distract myself, but I was flooded with images of my friends in Lagos all hanging out together and living their lives as though the pandemic is over. Then I started missing my former life and my friends. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw some of them in person, and a lump in my throat began to grow. I began realizing the depth of my loneliness. I started to think about the fact that I really don’t have any plans or anything to look forward to this year. I would likely be unable to attend my brother’s university graduation. When next would I see my family?
The cold weather meant that I had to put the heater in my room on as I quickly became cold. So I went under the covers to warm up, and just like that I felt confined to my room and miserable. The juxtaposition between this and what I was seeing online, and what I was truly desiring sent me down an emotional spiral that I couldn’t shake off. It made me wonder if I would ever be free, if we would all ever really have this traumatic experience in our past?
When my mind drifts like I have to remember that my feelings while valid are not always the truth. I know I will be free from the emotional burden I feel and I know I will soon be free to live a more pleasurable version of my life. I may not know when, but I know that this current simulation could not possibly be forever.
My post last night describes how I was feeling in the thick of it. I was weak yet I knew the feeling would pass. I also knew I had to allow myself to feel because I couldn’t keep running away from myself because eventually it would catch up with me. I don’t know if I intentionally run away from myself, but I do know that I don’t prioritize feeling it. I already feel like I can barely squeeze everything in my day and still have time to exhale fully, but that will have to change.
What I experienced yesterday might very well happen again. It is something that I’ve been dealing with for years, and it has become considerably better in the past 2 years and I have my faith to thank for that. When hope feels fleeting and my fear begins to subsume me, one thing I hold on to the Psalms. I know that the Lord is my refuge and safety (Psalm 91:2). I know that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).
Although I did not wake up this morning jumping for joy, I know this joy will come and I await it expectantly. I know in my heart this new season, this second quarter of the year is going to be so glorious and I will delight in the beauty of the spring. But for now, on this Holy Saturday, I wait. I wait not knowing, but believing. I wait in faith.
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If you have been feeling the same way, or if any of this resonates I hope you know that you are not alone either. I know you know that joy will come in the morning. Hold on a while longer, and things will work out in your favor.
Therapy has been tremendously helpful during this time and if you are able to afford it, I encourage you to try. If you can’t afford it, try to identify people you feel safe and comfortable with sharing how you feel honestly. It may feel too big and ugly to share, but I have found that much of healing takes place in conversations. You will be okay. We will be okay.