Your Healing Will Come in Waves

Sometimes depression will wake you up

On the warmest of days

Just as you begin to enjoy the cool breeze against your skin

It will suddenly suffocate you

You will close your eyes and try to dissociate yourself from it

But it is inside of you

You have tried running from yourself before

Only to find more of yourself in all the wrong places

At the bottom of a wine glass

Next to a body that doesn’t love you

In a country far from your home

But no matter where you run it always catches up to you

Because you never run away from something — or someone — that abuses you

They can afford to pay rent to your memories each month

They have the patience to slowly eat you away

But you will heal — I’m sorry — I have to say that to remind you

Even when your bones literally ache

You must remember to come back home to yourself

Your healing will come in waves

Anxiety will find new ways to hurt you

You will find yourself triggered by the memory of your mother’s voice

You take extra care to wash her away with your favorite R&B

But you begin to resemble her more with each passing day

You promise yourself you won’t make the same mistakes

So you don’t

You make news ones

Fresh ones, you’re breaking the generational curse — so you think

Yet the outcomes are wildly the same

You will soon learn new words

Have the vocabulary to explain this strange and painful phenomena

You will write poetry and prose that break you

And someone will tell you they can relate to your work

You’ll cry out of anger because no one should know your pain

But at least you are not alone

Your healing will come in waves

Your therapist will tell you it’s a journey and not a destination

You don’t pay her to tell you that

You will begin to savor the good days

Only journaling those which you enjoy

Maybe that way when looking back the pain will be a distant memory

Maybe that way you can really pretend you were happy